My life had become a kind of drug roulette—add one, remove one, adjust another—always searching, never finding relief.

By then, my comprehension was nearly gone. The side effects from the medications I was already on made it hard to think clearly, let alone question anything. Because of that, I became easy to persuade. Each time a new drug was suggested, I was told it might finally be the one that works. Even though years of medications had brought no real improvement, I was repeatedly assured that Lithium and Abilify were my “base medications” and shouldn’t be changed.

I trusted my healthcare provider. I believed that what I was being told was in my best interest—that eventually the right “cocktail” would be found. And because I was desperate for relief from the constant pain, I clung to any hope offered to me, even when it was false. I trusted blindly, because I didn’t know how to do anything else.